@RandomAntics

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

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@LlamaInaTux

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

@GinAndJif

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

@BoomBoomBetty

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

@theshantilly

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

@LindaInDisguise

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

@kelkulus

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

@inmybox07

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

@UncleDuke1969

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

@I_am_carbs

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down