@RandomAntics

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

- @RandomAntics

You Might Also Like

@noog

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

@AtticusFinch79

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

@juliussharpe

How about instead of shaking hands we nod at each other and that way we both won’t have to wash our hands?

@WildeThingy

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

@roxiqt

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

@dyldonot

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

@AngelaEhh

Paint thinner? Bullshit.

Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.

@stephenjmolloy

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

@lordratsquirt

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.