I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
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Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
bout dat hot dog summer
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️