I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay