@CroweJam

I’m too immature for adultery.

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@candyflippin

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

@Book_Krazy

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

@Reverend_Scott

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

@adult_mom

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

@Marlebean

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

@dougbies

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

@_mindflakes

(boom boom clap)
(boom boom clap)
Daisy you’re a dog you’re a good dog
Playing in the park
Gonna eat some cool bugs today

@KissabiX

*flicks cigarette*

Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.