I’m too immature for adultery.

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People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.


If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.


I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.


I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.


Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
Hi, I’m Nancy!


“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.


Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…


Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?


Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally