I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
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There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
You have been warned.
grandparents are too precious for this world
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
figuring out my emotional availability:
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”