I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

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I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.


Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.


[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?


KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok


5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”


My son learned the word “delicious” recently, except he pronounces it “decisions” so now you just see him walking around the house sipping on his water bottle going:

“*slurp* Ahhh…decisions…”


Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?


Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.


COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go


somebody sell me a flock of sheep so i can give them cool superhero names like bahman, the green lambtern and wonder woolman