I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
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Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on