I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
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You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead