@UnFitz

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

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@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@GlennPriceMann

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

@jeffpfeifer66

Moaning and gasping “Give it to me baby!” during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor.

Anybody know one?

@noog

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

@BoomBoomBetty

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

@TheKenyan_

I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.

@LittleMissAngr1

[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]

Niece: why are you doing that?

Me: so I can stay strong and healthy

Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy

@davidkenny100

*screaming as if in agony at a wedding

*rubs throat

There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes

@sixfootcandy

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

@buttgh0st

[at club]
DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE
“WHAT?”
[does stabbing and offering motion]
A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE