The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Moaning and gasping “Give it to me baby!” during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor.
Anybody know one?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
[5 yr old niece watching me exercise]
Niece: why are you doing that?
Me: so I can stay strong and healthy
Niece: *observing me shake, sweat, gasp for air* that does not look healthy
*screaming as if in agony at a wedding
There has to be an easier way.
– inventor of the bagpipes
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE
[does stabbing and offering motion]
A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE