I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
You Might Also Like
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Just me?
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.