I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
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Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”