@colonel_trilL

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

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@CheryeDavis

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

@Skoog

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

@lcspt

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

@SufficientCharm

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

@Michael1979

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

@BobbleheadMagy

I’ve never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

@LlamaInaTux

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers