tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I’ve never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers