I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.


me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?


Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did


5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now


Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”


I’ve never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.


My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers