I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
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Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.