@mattZillaaaa

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

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@TheCatWhisprer

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

@Tierno158

My motto is “Grab Life by the Balls.”

As you might imagine, being dyslexic, I spend a lot of time apologizing to guys named “Leif.”

@dumbbeezie

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

@KateWhineHall

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

@hunz74

Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”

@Sophie2078

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

@NurseSeymour

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

@Cryptoterra

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period