I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

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Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.


Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster


*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”


“Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today.”
-the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now


I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.


parent: why did you do this to my child
willy wonka: well you see they tried to eat some chocolate on a tour of a chocolate factory they won


joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno


bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home