@mattZillaaaa

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

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@YoungNobler

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

@zachreinert03

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

@DRUNKdadding

“Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today.”
-the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now

@ThrillHicks

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

@ruinedpicnic

parent: why did you do this to my child
willy wonka: well you see they tried to eat some chocolate on a tour of a chocolate factory they won

@jonnysun

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

@hcbirks

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: