I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
You Might Also Like
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.