@Sarcasmo718

I’m trying, but all the Liam Neeson jokes are taken.

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@imteddybless

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

@DaddyJew

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

@SoulYodeler

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

@hippieswordfish

ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with
BANKER: what
M: oops i meant ‘with which to take over the world’

@Book_Krazy

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

@causticbob

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

@RunwayDan

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

@o__0Dev

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

@RocketRankoon

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

@CrazyUncIeJoe

I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: “Santa doesn’t exist, but that’s ok, cause I can’t read.”