@Sarcasmo718

I’m trying, but all the Liam Neeson jokes are taken.

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@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@Schmoodles

You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.

@TBH42

There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story…

@LurkAtHomeMom

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

@ericsshadow

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

@bvinson23

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

@SarcasticAlly12

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”splegge”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3712632145/b42e5b52982e2f605a51020437381519_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325988470726221824″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”91″;s:5:”tweet”;s:96:”If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@thispartyislame

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

@NewDadNotes

Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-

Roommate: OMG NO

Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!