I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
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Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.