I’m trying, but all the Liam Neeson jokes are taken.

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Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.


Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.


Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….


Twitter is like Gilligan’s Island. We have the skills to fix the boat and leave.

Instead we stay & learn how use coconuts a 1000 ways.


I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don’t care.


Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.


I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.


Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.


Just figured out what “CW” means so now I have to re-read all of Twitter.