It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
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*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.