I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
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someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.