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Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Happy Caturday!
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.