I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
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Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My dad teaching me to drive
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions