I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
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All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Nomnomnomnom
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”