I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
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Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
🤣🤣💀
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”