I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

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Boss: “You’re not suppose to be drinking on the job!”
Me: “You’re not suppose to cheat on your wife.”
Boss: “Keep up the good work sir.”


Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant


When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”


fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*


Me: Scout’s honor.

Minister: You’re supposed to say “I do.”


The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.


Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*


Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with but I reckon it was probably a printer.


guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week


PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.