@sexncake

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

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@infamousone96

Boss: “You’re not suppose to be drinking on the job!”
Me: “You’re not suppose to cheat on your wife.”
Boss: “Keep up the good work sir.”

@MummsThaWord

Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant

@Elizasoul80

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

@Browtweaten

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

@Darlainky

Me: Scout’s honor.

Minister: You’re supposed to say “I do.”

@ilovepie84

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

@StinkyGr33n

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

@JohnMoynes

Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with but I reckon it was probably a printer.

@elenacresci

guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week

@SteveKoehler22

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.