I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
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Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
pizza
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color