I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”