I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

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[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head


Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number


Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”


Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
I still have Pringles?


[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa


To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!


People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.


Girl, get dressed up real nice. I’m taking you to bee disease day.


I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.


I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.