[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
I still have Pringles?
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Girl, get dressed up real nice. I’m taking you to bee disease day.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.