I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.