I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

You Might Also Like


“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.


Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn’t the first time you’ve failed in life.


I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.


I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.


Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.


College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.


If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?


cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy