@online_shawn

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

You Might Also Like

@platinum2000

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

@jmhuntsinger

Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn’t the first time you’ve failed in life.

@Mister_Gravity

I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.

@its_me_your_mom

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

@colinmochrie

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

@goldengateblond

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

@Firawesome

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy