I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
how was your vacation
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home