I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

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At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.


Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.


Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy


One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches


When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.


*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.


Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.


FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me


Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.