I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
A man of commitment.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*