I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
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Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.