I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
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everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My dad is at it again
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.