“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam telling Eve that he’s seeing another woman

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My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.


The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs


Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.


[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training


Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him


Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?


Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.


*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*cuts wires*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one