Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“I’m turning over a new leaf”
-Adam telling Eve that he’s seeing another woman
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My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Just gave all of my money to Charity, she gives a hell of a lap dance.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one