Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
yeah no that’s fair
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*