The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
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[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.