I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
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*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Whoa… oh I see lol
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.