Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
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I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Me driving through Toronto
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Where is your GOD now????
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.