I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
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I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet