@somecleverthing

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

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@Eyevenger

Biden: “Jiraiya is in a better pla…”

Obama: “I don’t wanna talk about it”

@ag_loco

How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

@daemonic3

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

@arcadeseals

me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”

@samfromks

*Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge*

*Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit*

*Buys $80 worth of donuts*

@TragicAllyHere

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.