I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.