I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL