@AbbyHasIssues

I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.

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@sammyrhodes

Olive Garden is appropriately named given that an olive garden is exactly where even Jesus was disappointed.

@frogshack

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

@mom_tho

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

@david8hughes

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

@redhotirish75

My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..

@PleaseBeGneiss

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

@1MeLrO

Can’t, I’m fighting over the space heater with the cat

@iwearaonesie

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

@4Anno

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

@itshotterhere

Apparently, if you jump out of a plane wearing parachute pants, it doesn’t break your fall at all. But you can carry about a hundred combs.