@AbbyHasIssues

I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.

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@NickBossRoss

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

@karanbirtinna

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

@caithuls

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

@david8hughes

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

@MrMichaelRose

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

@LlamaInaTux

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

@SlothSlouch

You wake up one day and all the world has turned to Greg. You’re surprised, you did not see this coming. In the kitchen your boyfriend Greg greets you with a cup of greg. Greg, he says with a smile. Greg, you answer, and it just fees right, the gregness of it all.

@dad_on_my_feet

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

@isabelzawtun

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

@david8hughes

[knock at door]
Cop: open up, it’s the police
Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I’m not here
Cop: are you in Estonia?
Me: I am. I’m in Estonia