GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
You Might Also Like
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.