Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
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Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Weighing up my bread heating options
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*