im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
When life hands you women, make women laid.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”