im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

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[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.


Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*


I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.


In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties


It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.


The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.


[ornithology test]

PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know

ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately


Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”


This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.