im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

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Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.


I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.


Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.


Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive


Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”


Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks


Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.


9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.


Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?


Go to work tomorrow with a new attitude.

Be positive!


Hide when real work comes!