@grumbist

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

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@WildeThingy

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

@Reverend_Scott

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

@AJslackie2

I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

@zachreinert03

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

@Dawn_M_

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

@curlycomedy

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

@TheHyyyype

[ornithology test]

PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know

ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately

@Elizasoul80

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

@MavenofHonor

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.