@grumbist

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

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@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

@Dutch_50

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

@Goldishocks

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

@OctopusCaveman

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

@SleepingSuspect

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

@Harbinger_one

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

@marcia_bee

Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.

@Book_Krazy

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

@GoldenSpirals

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

@iGreenMonk

Go to work tomorrow with a new attitude.

Be positive!

Communicate!

Hide when real work comes!