I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
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when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Xylophonist Shredding It
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.