@DirtMcTurd

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

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@alexlumaga

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

@IamEveryDayPpl

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

@JonasPolsky

I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.

@joshcomers

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

@ecareyo

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

@MethShart

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@drinksmcgee

Top 3 ways to kill Werewolves:

3. Kill them in human form
2. Shoot them with a silver bullet
1. Feed them chocolate

@kimtopher22

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

@JohnLyonTweets

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.