I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
You Might Also Like
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me irl
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.