I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
You Might Also Like
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.