I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
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I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.