Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”
You Might Also Like
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”