@feverboner

I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”

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@stephenjmolloy

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

@kellysdf

According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”

@robdelaney

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

@stephenjmolloy

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

@Lisabug74

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

@moose_chocolate

If familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder, then by definition marriage is a terrible idea.

@cjwerleman

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

@Jesssicle

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”