them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
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Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
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If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]