@feverboner

I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”

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@karanbirtinna

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

@Book_Krazy

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

@Darlainky

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

@thats_a_morey

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

@JohnLyonTweets

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

@Matt_The_1st

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

@Lalaw143

I’m currently in a very serious relationship ,we don’t even smile .