I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
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I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.