My tombstone will just say “Deactivated.” I want people to be afraid that I could come back.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
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*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Rolls down car window.
Throws caution to the wind.
Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
My prom date everybody
Yes, autocorrect, that’s right. I hate that stupid ditch
Are there any rules for lending your kids out as migrant workers?