@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

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@IDeclareClaire

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

@handsock_butts

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

@amitjain1002

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

@athleisure_monk

[God creating beards]
ADAM: God, I don’t like my face.
GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I’ll cover it in pubes.
ADAM: What? That’s not—
GOD: Done.

@morebees

when someone says ‘your flys down’ it implies that 1) i have a fly and 2) hes having a bad day

@eminmien

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

@WittySassBasket

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

@LuckoftheDraw86

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

@Diversion50

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

@TheRolo

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”