@DougStanhope: I'm watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
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@weinerdog4life: A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
@pleatedjeans: Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend: honey he can't even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP
@badbanana: Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
@Supafunkadunka: Women my age expect a man to have his shit together by now. Time to start dating younger women.