@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

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@pseudofauxme

My tombstone will just say “Deactivated.” I want people to be afraid that I could come back.

@sad_tree

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

@behindyourback

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

@LionJenkins

Rolls down car window.

Throws caution to the wind.

Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

@Darlainky

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

@dafloydsta

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

@dumbbeezie

Yes, autocorrect, that’s right. I hate that stupid ditch