@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

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@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

@mela_shea

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

@ramblinma

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

@chuuew

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

@Dutch_50

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

@MsSkarsgaard

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose

@MarlonBrandNO

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

@threelisabeth

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH