@Brianhopecomedy

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

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@STACEYNIGHTMARE

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

@givesnoerection

I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

@TinaraMinus10

Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…

-me as a therapist

@PleaseBeGneiss

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

@sera9elliot

now that we’ve banned plastic straws, i guess i’ll just have to drink my frappucino through this assault rifle

@awkwardphilippe

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

@mikejanson2

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

@venmo4feet

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

@pyaaristochill

imagine a crime show where an auntie accidentally solves crimes because she is so nosy