@Brianhopecomedy

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

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@_Tempo11

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

@bromanconsul

everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France

@Ygrene

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

@hazelmotes1

Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.

@KBChicken75

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

@NicestHippo

“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”

@daemonic3

My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.

@mack44_d

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

@UnIxphysco

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

@smithsara79

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense