I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

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“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.


everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France


[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]


Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.


Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.


“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”


My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.


*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’


I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry


Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense