I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
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“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
accurate
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”