I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
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GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Phones down.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait