I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
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This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Me My dog
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
mom had nothing to worry about
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner