@diannaeanderson

I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me

You Might Also Like

@Dutch_50

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

@loribuckmajor

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

@karanbirtinna

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

@JB4Realz

“Y’ever wonder why the TARDIS is square on the outside but round on the inside?”

*SuperCuts lady finishes my haircut without another word*

@thatdutchperson

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

@o__0Dev

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

@MomofTeen

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

@CantWaitToNap

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

@TweetPotato314

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess