My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
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To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status “it’s complicated”
How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
‘Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?’
–my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Beheaded our snowman to let winter know we mean business.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?