@diannaeanderson

I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me

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@Contwixt

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

@darrinfb

To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status “it’s complicated”

How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?

@GrantTanaka

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

@caliraingirl

‘Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?’

–my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car

@truegritrumble

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

@Sorrowscopes

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

@LizHackett

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

@adamzopf

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?