Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
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(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
It’s a gift
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.