I’m watching Worst Cooks In America and one of them cut and avocado like this and lord help me

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Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”


Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.


Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.


“Y’ever wonder why the TARDIS is square on the outside but round on the inside?”

*SuperCuts lady finishes my haircut without another word*


Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?


Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.


My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.


Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.


Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess